"Grief is real, and is suffered.
You're not crazy if you feel it;
it means you loved someone, deeply."
I feel the murky waters of grief pouring over me. I feel sometimes like I'm going crazy. Waves of overwhelming muddy water wash over me. I feel like crocodiles of confusion, sadness, and mental stress are snapping their teeth at me. It's such hard work to keep my head above the stinking brown water of despair. I can't cope with the pull of the depths of this water. Slowly, I'm feeling pulled under by the water of gloom.
Yes, I've been here before. I've read and heard and even experienced the stages of grief in the deaths of my mother at 13, the sudden death of 5 nieces and nephews in my 30s, my step mom and my dear grandma in my 40s. Yes, I know them and they are very true and real:
1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
But nearly six months ago, I lost my sister to cancer. I love all my sisters, but she was the closest to me: in age, in stage of life, in closeness. I reflect to the time we survived our mom's death together. We leaned on each other to figure out life. She was with me during our transition back to America, and was my biggest cheerleader. She didn't always understand, but she was always there. She did so many things behind the scenes to help me feel her love and acceptance. She always believed in me. Many mornings, we could spend chatting on the phone. I not only lost my sister. I realize now, I lost my best friend. And I wasn't prepared for the murky waters of mental distress, the hours of weeping, the feeling of my spirit bent over and bleeding out all my life blood.
I am realizing, I am still called to God's altar of worship. It isn't the worship I would choose. We think of worship as rejoicing, praise, laughing, smiling, and enjoyment. And that is true when our altar of worship is the worship of rejoicing. But today, I am realizing I am experiencing the altar of lamentation. This worship is sorrow, weeping, confusion, mourning, and anguish. A very different style of worship, but it is a necessary worship in my life. It's not the altar I would ever choose, but even at this altar, I need to remember: God is completely sovereign, God is infinite in wisdom, and God is perfect in love, and He comes to us intimately in my worship.
"Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone.” Gen. 35:3
It is only at this altar that I can truly find a God of Comfort. Bending over this altar, I can grieve all the loss and disappointment. I bend and weep over the pain, the suffering, the bitterness, and loss that I feel. He can begin comforting me when He finds me at my altar. He was a "man of sorrows" and understands.
I realize again these murky waters will not drown me. He is waiting on the river bank with open arms, ready to embrace me in my grief and walk with me as I wipe off the dirty water and raise my hands of worship towards Him. He will take me in all the dirtiness, and hold me tight.
(inspired by a chapter I read by in book by Val Yoder)
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