Turning forty

Turning 40 this year for me was such a combination of feelings--my mom didn't live to see her 40th birthday. She was so young to die--my age almost exactly. As my birthday was approaching this year, I felt myself growing reflective. What thoughts were in her mind when she thought about leaving all her children at such tender young ages? Did she think about the fact that she probably wouldn't live life after 40? How would it be to be so sick and helpless and watching your children grieve your dying? Many thoughts about her life have been on my mind this year.

Sometimes I close my eyes and try to remember what she looked like and how her voice sounded. Her image can become so fuzzy in my mind. It seems so long ago that I saw her and touched her. One wonderful night, I dreamed about her and in my dream, she was just as I remembered her--her blue eyes, her nicely-shaped nose, her smile--her whole self in great detail, every part was chiseled again in my mind. She looked so happy that I remember waking up wishing it were true.

But it wasn't. Even so, I feel blessed this year to be healthy, to be looking forward to life after forty, and to dream about the futures of myself, my husband, and my children. This was something my mom never could realize in her lifetime. My dad told me some time ago, that when Mom discovered that she had cancer, she told my dad, "I want to live to see my grandchildren." That was her dream, cut short when she passed away when her oldest was only 16 years old.

So, now, I'm embarking on unknown territory. I've outlived my mother. Such a strange thought to me. How I wish many times I was more like her. She is my hero! What would it be like to relate to her as an adult? So many questions that in my lifetime will never have answers.

My prayer today: Lord, mold me more into the godly woman you want me to be! I fail so many times from being what I wish I was! I feel my human weaknesses. Make me more like you, Father!