December 7, 2021
Thirty days…forty days…fifty days…as we waited we began to look at the symbolism of these numbers. Biblically thirty symbolizes a man’s dedication to work or to a certain task…Forty symbolizes a period of testing, trial or probation…Fifty deliverance or freedom from a burden. As each of these days of significance in captivity came and went we thought surely on one of these days we would see a miraculous deliverance. But it hasn’t been. We continue to wait, to fast, to cry, and to pray.
As Allison’s wedding day approached, so much uncertainty rested on us. How can we be two places at once if the need would arise that we would need to go get our son? Would we need to decide between which of our children needed us most over that wedding weekend? But we kept our plans and with the help of family and friends we managed to pull the day off. We livestreamed it in the event that our son would be able to watch. This turned out to be a blessing since those of our family, weren’t able to attend. Marcus, Rhoda, and family were in PA for the funeral of her father, Dad and Elsie both were quite sick with Covid, and Ed’s family also had Covid, and John’s mom because of her age. This was very disappointing for us. It felt like we especially needed family during this time in our lives and so many couldn’t be there. Poor Allison! One by one her carefully printed program became inaccurate. One day she came out of her bedroom quite distraught, “Who needs any bridal table servers anyway?” But she and Dustin both were so flexible. With the kidnapping was on everyone’s minds. We knew it would be a hard day.
And as always at one of our family’s weddings, there is so many layers of grief anyway. One congregational song they had chosen before was “Be Still My Soul the Lord is on Thy Side.” It was so fitting, and tears poured down our cheeks. “Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.”
Here is a text I wrote to some friends after the wedding: "I thought it was a very appropriately happy day yesterday. I feel satisfied. I feel like we were able to laugh and cry and celebrate and miss Austin all at once. That boy has no idea how much everyone loves him. Hopefully one day I can tell him."
The song selection was so meaningful for the situation, and that helped John be able to address the elephant in the room. It didn't feel disrespectful to Austin in any way to be celebrating. I can't describe it but it all felt right and good. We again had so much peace. Seeing your daughter in love and so happy does something to a mother's heart. And it was a beautiful day for Dustin and Allison. I'm just full of happiness.
And in the middle of all this turmoil and happiness, we found out we will be grandparents in June! So many, many emotions. Up and down and all around. Each of these alone would be life-changing emotional events and we have four all at once….kidnapping, wedding, surgery (Derek on our couch waiting), and a grandbaby…our human bodies aren’t made to handle this much emotion and so we feel we can’t process it all at once. We are becoming very worn down in spirit, soul, and body. Please continue lifting us to our Heavenly Father.
My sister-in-law, with a bit of humor, sent our chat group a picture of a children’s compartments to organize toys, with these words, “How about we get together and buy this for Laura to sort out her many different emotions!!??” She said it perfectly.
So, we wait, we cry, we laugh, we celebrate, we pray, we long for more.
And today we celebrate Dustin and Allison's anniversary, but we will always feel the pain of the missing person on our family pics of the wedding, the missing brother on the sibling pics. We can't redo it, but it will always remind us of the hole that was missing that day. And we treasure being together this year.
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